it ain't easy...duh

Yes it is!

Most days I don't know how to deal. I go about my day, I do what I have to, things I want to and I try not to zero in on that little thing I'm ignoring. I can't ignore the little thing for long, it confronts me when I have to make a decision on what to eat; I have to eat things that give me the vitamin bang for my buck, things that are going to attack at those sons of bitches, a small but intrusive reminder that it's not about what I want or crave, it's deeper than that.

I've quit just watching TV -the assault of ads and a life it seems I won't get to live are now irksome, to say the least- I stick to Netflix but in the middle of Breaking Bad, Walter speaks of his "time left" and everything I was ignoring comes to the forefront. You are in the same boat as Walter White, that little voice says and I breakdown. I cry hard, I weep, I heave and I try my best to have faith in what I feel, to not google life expectancy, I did that once and it wasn't fun, nope, not fun at all. Life is a trip, and I don't say that lightly. I mean, it's really a trip; one day your on a surgery ride and the next you can google your life expectancy.

I meditate to keep the thoughts of death away. It feels like I'm playing a game of chess with the grim reaper or lets say Mortal Kombat, I don't know how to play chess. He's on my couch, we're chilling and laughing it up and shit but he's never going to tell me when it's going to happen, he let's the doctors do his dirty work, take guesses and in the meantime, I do all that I can to keep a positive outlook and act like this bum isn't sitting on my couch.

When I wake up he's still on my couch, upset, I'm able to go about my day, I flip dude the bird and do just that. I wonder is he really here? Is this really happening? or is this a phantom bought on by my sadistic doctors and my brains perpetual need to stay grounded and be real? This nightmare doesn't feel real and it doesn't have to be, at least not for me, not right now. But how do I believe in my reality, how do I ignore the docs? #TEAMTRUSTYOURBODY and no other. My body has healed from surgery beautifully. My body is doing awesome in the face of chemotherapy, my body is laughing at these fools because I know, I can shake shit, even this shit, I can walk away from this beast but in the meantime how do I silence the fear and the the docs...