good days...

That's me!

How can you have good days and have cancer?! But there are good days, days where I get a kick out of the fact that I can run faster, longer and better than I ever could BC. Days, where I'm having a few hearty giggles with two amazing women, who happen to be my friends on a candle lit back porch. Days when the Doctor filling in for my robot doctor, off handily comments on how good I'm doing on chemo. Shall I go on?! But of course; I'm making my own ice cream, I've re cut the umbilical cord from mom, it was great having her around but I needed to do that thing, I was fighting so much in the beginning of this journey; get back to normal.

Normal, my new normal is trying to be present, taking care of myself, really take care of myself, weeding out the people that no longer serve a purpose. Yoga, running, eating right, trying to at least (A girl can only eat but so much kale) and coming to the realization that this disease doesn't have me, I have it, I'm in control of what my life is going to be. This asshole may or may not have a say so in how it's going to end but it can't have how I'm going to live.

I have great days, I've had some real good days, do I ever forget that I have this? Not really, its always lurking in the background but does it cause me the grief, anxiety and sheer panic that it once did? from time to time but not as often. We're all dying and I don't say that to be glib or morbid but we are, my shit is, how do you say, it's laid out a little more clearly and maybe it isn't. This life isn't as black and white as we want it to be and cancer has only made things grayer.

There's a lot of shit going on out there. A lot of anger and sadness, not to mention illness, we're all scared it seems, scared of what's to come. Trying to hold onto what was and forgetting what it really was, meanwhile right now is just passing you by. This is one of the "good" things this disease has given me, it's taken away those diseases from which I use to suffer. If I can be present, everyday, I think I have more great days ahead. You should try it sometime, maybe now, just think of how lucky you are and how awesome all that good shit that happened to you today was and is.  Or to quote my therapist; " I don't think humans know how to live with Good and Bad, the world has taught us it's gotta be all good or all bad that they can't be happening simultaneously, most people who go through this successfully, find that balance."

Balance my friends.