breaking bad

I love that Tina Turner tee. 

I started watching Breaking Bad a few days ago. Each time I'd previously tried to watch the show something just didn't work for me; the pants flying up in the air, in episode one, that was the moment, believe it or not I could never get past that moment. A few days ago I decided, fuck it, I'm going to give this show a shot and It's awesome and I'm glad I'm late -I started watching right on time-

Being diagnosed with this illness I feel like the plug gets pulled involuntarily in my mind, on the looks of my friends faces when they find out, in dreams, sometimes not at all until I'm watching Walter White deal with what I'm dealing with. I often wonder, why am I not doing this the Walter White way? I'm not cut out for selling drugs and shit, though with mounting medical bills, the option is tempting but why not just say fuck it?! I thought that would be the easiest thing to do, let go of responsibility and live it up, right?

I don't know but here's what I know and feel.  I'm starting to think that illness is the blue pill, which ever one wakes you up out of the Matrix. It shakes me, as much as I want to hold onto the BC life, I can't, I don't fit in anymore. My mom wants me to go back to normalcy, she wants it out of love, she wants me to not abandon what was once normal. But I don't want that. I don't want to get back in the rat race, I don't want to be concerned with money, I don't want to think about bills and I sure the hell don't want to "go back to normal."

I'm sure that, going back to normal works for some but the thought of it makes me shiver because I'm not normal. None of this is normal and I'm tired of pretending that it is. And before you get your ugly cry on don't feel sorry for me, like Walter there's a calm freedom to it all.

I can see the binary code, I'm not losing it, I promise. When something like this happens, some cliche shit comes along with it, like the realization that the things you squeeze in are the things most of your time should be consumed with. Running to late to a child's play because you needed to fax that one thing. Missing a friends celebration because the boss blah blah blah not being honest with your family because well, that's how it's always been. I'm working on myself that's what I'm working on, I haven't done that in a long time, its been about others, work, money, what would happen after I was done working (what a fucking joke) life was always on pause for the special moment, that moment when all the stars aligned, and money was right and I had time and no problems. I'm currently having that moment with cancer. I hope unlike myself and Mr. white you realize there is no perfect moment.