this love thing...

When all this first started, I knew for sure the one thing I could shelve, the one feeling I could do away with, was that love thing. I have the love of my friends, I have the love of my family but not that love that nuzzles into the side of your neck at 3am. A love that needn't make a sound but you hear it loud and clear, a cliche love, everything in my mind that isn't everything that I am is a cliche nowadays. But yeah, I thought I was going to lock my heart and my vagina in a box only to return when I'm well...I really fucking thought this?!!

Well ladies and a very few gents, I can't, I won't but going out here trying to date with this fucking thing is like, holy shit, as if I didn't have enough shit to spring on a dude! But I can't ignore it, I can't lock myself away. Life is beautiful, almost amplified at times and so are all of my feelings, but my soliloquy doesn't change the way that I feel about myself. I feel good most days, right, yeah. However, the bald head, the long present scar, the port, the port scar, it doesn't help in the self esteem department. If you're feeling sorry for me, go ahead, I can't tell you what to do with your feelings but this isn't my intent. I still get hit on by men, boys too and it isn't so much about getting hit on or copping a feel off of some really dense but shapely man at a bar, as it is, who wants to deal with all of this?  Doctors visits, Nuelasta days, emotional mayhem and a very uncertain future on top of all the aforementioned stuff and I'm still kind of an asshole.

But nothing has changed, I am all the things I was before and a little bit better, better in all those cliche ways that I always thought would be better for me. But I'm not banking on it, I'm hopeful but I always ask myself the same question, if the shoe was on the other foot, would I do it?  Oh Love is indeed splendid and a pain in my ass right now.