At a moments notice I could choose to end this whole charade, it isn't just about the big C though I must say my fuck me diagnosis doesn't leave me with dreams of a beautiful future. this illness takes a lot of things, confidence, your trust in your body, your belief in friendships and relationships, your belief in yourself but it doesn't take everything. It leaves you with bills, adds more fun ones to your plate, it leaves you wondering where and how you're going to provide for yourself given your current state of being, it leaves you with a lot of worry and it keeps on piling them on.
You learn yoga, don't do it because, well, you've had enough of life. You try to meditate but panic takes over and some days when you, well not you but I, get real zen like, you think of all those pills sitting in a draw just waiting to stop all the bullshit. Don't call me, don't text me, don't worry about me because of THIS blog. Did you really think I didn't think of this? I lay awake at night and wonder why do I keep living? to hear more fucking bad news because no matter what the news folks, I got fuck me cancer and ain't no help me cures. But besides cancer, I'm not realistically hoping on love, kids, no, my family, I mean we're close but trust they'll get over it, so like everything else I'm living, walking around and breathing because I'm still holding out hope that a change is gonna come.
The last time I hoped for change, I got disease. So forgive me if there are days when I'm less than optimistic for the future. I had a rough weekend, in my head, in between my good days there's a host of shitty days, scary days and days when I just don't want to hang with you guys anymore. I love you all but we occupy different realities, I pray for a different outcome, I hope for a different outcome but I know it'll never be what it could have been and all in all y'all, I don't know what I'm fighting for.
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